TIP SHEET by Janice Howard

Awarded 2nd place at the Humorous Speech contest for Area 21, Division 86 of Toastmasters International.

When I got married, it was customary for a mother to have a little chat with a daughter on the eve of her wedding. They would likely sit side by side on the daughter’s bed, hold hands and whisper intimately about ‘delicate matters.’  

(Spoken in conversation) “Now dear, there is something I need to tell you.  Men have appetites for (hesitate) certain things.”

Mr. Chair and welcome guests.  My husband has an insatiable appetite. 

And why wouldn’t he?  The man stands 6’6” tall. 

We married in June, 24 years ago, and I immediately set out to satisfy his appetite…

…for strawberry jam.

Al loves toast and jam.  I decided to impress him by making strawberry jam, jam made out of fresh berries picked by my loving hands. 

I invited a neighbour to go picking with me.   She navigated while I drove Al’s three-quarter-ton Suburban truck. 

You see, when you marry a 6’6” man, everything about him is big.  His shoes.  His stereo speakers.  His truck.

The interior of the Suburban was cavernous, so big that when you folded down the seats, you could lay flat a sheet of plywood.  

Thank goodness for big Al’s big truck.  In two hours, my neighbour and I picked 38 quarts of strawberries.  EACH.  That’s enough berries to fill a bathtub.  She picked 38 quarts for a family of four.  I picked for two. 

Do you know how many quarts of berries it takes to make one batch of jam?  Betty Crocker says two.  Two quarts to make five little jars of jam.  Two quarts of strawberries and five cups of sugar.  What were we going to do with the rest of the berries?

Al had a brilliant solution.  Quadruple Betty’s recipe.  Eight quarts of strawberries.  Twenty cups of sugar. 

Our next challenge was finding a suitable cooking pot. 
Well, remember Al’s big shoes.  The big stereo speakers.  The big truck.  Didn’t he just happen to have a big caldron.  

We poured the strawberries and sugar into the caldron and set it on the stove.  The caldron was too big. 

Al had another ‘big’ idea.  He went outside and fired up the barbecue.

We took turns standing over the open fire stirring the caldron filled with the pulp of juicy, ripe strawberries. 

(Witch’s voice)  Double, double, toil and trouble.  Fire burn and caldron bubble.

The strawberries bubbled for 30 minutes.  Still, the jam didn’t thickened.  We stirred that caldron for two, cursed hours.  

(Pause)

Betty’s instructions neglected to mention one important fact:   jam increases in volume during cooking.
 
I didn’t see it coming.  I left my post for only a few minutes when Mount Saint Helen erupted over the sides of the caldron.  The hot sticky jam had been heating like molten lava in the belly of a volcano.  Molten jam streamed down the sides, seeping into the barbecue and soaking into the wooden deck below.  The grills, the burners, the igniter.  Everything was covered with sticky strawberry jam. 

The strawberry volcano splattered over the white brick of our house. 

(Pause)  
 
We salvaged enough jam to fill five small jars, about two quarts worth of strawberries, Betty Crocker’s original recipe. 

The mess took hours to clean up, curing me of any desire to satisfy my husband’s appetite (hesitate) for strawberry jam.

(PAUSE)

Many couples call each other by nicknames - terms of endearment.  Honey.  Sugar.  I can always tell when my husband has an appetite (hesitate) for certain things.  Because he calls me (pause) Jam. 

Saying thank you is polite. Acknowledging a gift, a good deed or a kind word is in keeping with good taste and propriety. It assures people that their kindness has been appreciated. Neglecting to thank someone could undermine the possibility of you benefiting from future acts of kindness.

Expressing your appreciation need not be complicated. Here are some thank you messages I’ve received recently in response to simple acts of kindness.

Thank you should make specific reference to the gift.
A young Toastmaster asked me to critique his speech. I made a few suggestions and included a short poem that might add substance to his message. He replied: “Thank you so much! Your suggestions and poem really helped with how I’m going to organize my speech.” Later, when I congratulated him on a well-delivered speech, he again thanked me: “Thank you very much for your compliments! I felt confident speaking once my nerves melted away.”

Thank you should say how the gift will be used.
I just finished reading Jason Dorsey’s Y-Size Your Business where he suggests that companies will attract Gen-Y employees more if you “remove all photos in the employment area of your web site that were not taken at your company.  Replace these stock photos (posed, cheesy photos where the lighting is just right) with pictures of employees actually doing their jobs and having fun.” Jason cites Enterprise car rental as an example.

I shared this tip with Karen Roberts, a photographer contact on LinkedIn who immediately replied: What a good idea Janice! Thanks. I might just post that quote on my LinkedIn update.” I’m also sure Karen will tap Jason’s suggestion to prospect for new clients.

Thank you should be timely.
This week I noticed a LinkedIn post from Ashley Weinhandl about a social media workshop hosted by the Ontario Hospital Association (OHA). I reposted this on Twitter and LinkedIn thinking it might interest some of my colleagues. That same day I received thanks from Ashley for the repost.

Remember, no duty is more urgent than that of returning thanks.

Janice Howard Communications

It’s pouring rain outside, but three days ago I was standing in the sunshine helping to kick off a fundraising campaign.  I was recruited to speak to the value of supporting this particular charity.  Delivering a compelling message proved to be the least of my challenges. 

Here’s a list of Do’s for Speaking Outdoors:

1. Do ensure the audience is facing away from sun or other distractions like a road.  Attentions tend to wander when a delivery van rambles by or when audience members must squint uncomfortably into the sun to see the speaker.
2. Do ensure the speaker is close enough to the audience to see the eye colour of people sitting in the front row.  Audiences connect with speakers who look them in the eye, something that is impossible when the lectern is 30’ away.
3. Do offer the speaker a portable microphone so she can get up close and personal with her audience.
4. Do position the speaker against a wall so the audience has a limited field of vision and is not distracted by activities happening behind the speaker, such as a silent auction or people milling around.
5. Do apprise your speaker in advance that she will be speaking outdoors.

Please feel free to add to my list of Do’s.

Janice Howard Communications

This morning I received an invitation to connect with someone on LinkedIn.

It was the standard message:  I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.  Signed Elizabeth (pseudonym).

Her name drew a blank.  I viewed Elizabeth’s profile and saw that she had 29 connections, two of whom were in my network.  Her profile contained scant details of her experience or interests, and did not include a photo to give me a clue who she was.  Given her profession as a consultant in an unrelated industry, I was not clear why we should connect unless she would like to tap into my services.  

While I was writing this post, a second invitation from Elizabeth popped into my mailbox.  Either Elizabeth had not figured out the workings of LinkedIn or she was really keen to connect with me.  I suspected the former.

I tried to send Elizabeth a message but LinkedIn offers no option to reply to her invitation other than accepting it.  I could have emailed her directly through InMail™ but I don’t have an InMail™ account.  Alternatively, I could have asked for an introduction through our two common connections. 

I Googled Elizabeth and still came up with a blank.  In the end, I accepted her invitation, albeit hesitantly, on the off chance that I was missing the bigger picture.

Here are some tips for taking the guesswork out of LinkedIn:

When sending LinkedIn invitations, always include a personal note rather than the standard form letter.  Not only does this jog the person’s memory, but it also adds a personal touch to an otherwise sterile invitation.  Here’s a short and friendly invitation to someone you already know:

Hello Janice:  I am glad to find you on LinkedIn.  Let’s connect and stay in touch.

Hello Janice:  Several years ago, you and I were members of a committee to raise money for XYZ charity.  I hope things are going well for you.  I look forward to staying in touch through LinkedIn.

There are many scenarios for connecting with people you don’t know.  Here are some suggested invitations:

Hello Janice:  I am interested to learn more about your communications services.  Let’s connect on LinkedIn to start the dialogue.

Hello Janice:  I see that we are both members of Toastmasters International.  Let’s connect so we can learn from each other’s experiences.

Graciously accept invitations

When someone sends you an invitation that you decide to accept, always reply with a personal note of appreciation and some indication that you have taken a minute to scan their profile.  This same courtesy applies to people who follow you on Twitter.

Hello Rob:  I was delighted to receive your invitation to connect on LinkedIn.  I see you are still working at XYZ charity and trust things are going well.  Take care and I look forward to keeping in touch.

Hello Rob:  Thank you for taking time to connect.  I notice you have been promoted to Development Officer.  Congratulations!  I wish you many successes in your new position.  It’s good to hear from you and I look forward to keeping in touch!

The strongest connections are with people you already know.  Build your network by starting with colleagues, employers, suppliers, clients, association members and classmates.  Once you’ve connected with people in your immediate circle of influence, then start cold calling.

Effective networking takes time and requires personal messages.  If you’re not prepared to invest the time to add the personal touch, don’t expect a big return from LinkedIn. 

Janice Howard Communications

It takes a creative communicator to see the potential in having good, clean fun with grubs, larvae and maggots.  One such communicator has crafted admission prices for the Victoria Bug Zoo that reflect the stages in a bug’s life:

Hatchlings (children 2 and under) Free

Grubs, larvae, caterpillars (children ages 3-11) $6

Maggots, bookworms, pupae (youth ages 12-18) $7

Queens, worker bees, drones (adults) $9

Fossils (seniors ages 65+) $8

Next time you’re in Victoria, grab the grubs and slither over to the Bug Zoo.

Prompting passengers to buckle up need not be all work and no play. 

One feisty Westjet flight attendant has crafted rhyming couplets to add levity to mundane pre-flight safety announcements.  On a recent flight from Toronto to Victoria, attendant Lara Orsi received a rousing round of applause from passengers after reciting her colleague’s couplets:

Please look in that seat pocket and take out this card
It’s all about safety it’s really not hard
To fasten your seatbelt please get it right
Insert the flat metal fitting and pull the strap tight
To release the buckle the upper portion you must lift
But keep it fastened when the seatbelt sign is on or you’ll have us all miffed.
There are 6 emergency exits for safety we do not lack
There are 2 at the wings, 2 at the front and 2 at the back
The exits are marked clearly in case you can’t spell
The nearest one to you and the others as well.
This aircraft is equipped with floor lighting you see
It will come on in case of a power loss or emergency
The lights will brightly light up the floor
And an exit sign will show you the door.
It’s unlikely a change in cabin pressure will arise
But if it does the panels above will drop a surprise
Four oxygen masks will be released in each row
Just grab one and tug it and the oxygen will flow
Place that right yellow mask over your mouth and nose
Behind your heads where the elastic strap goes
To tighten the mask pulling the elastic is the way
But please don’t remove it till we tell you you may
The plastic bag may not inflate
But oxygen is still flowing so don’t get irate
If you’re flying with someone who needs help from you
First donning your own mask is the right thing to do.
Now get ready for take off we need your assistance
Don’t try to get out of it we’re used to resistance
Please put your seatbacks and trays locked and upright
And adhere to the safety signs up by your light.
If you have any questions or need our assistance today
Helping you is our pleasure it’s the WESTJET way
Now sit back and relax cause now we’re all set
I hope you enjoyed this much more fun it’ll get!
 

Thirty seconds into my opening story, I noticed a woman sitting front and center dab her eyes with a tissue.  She signaled to a friend, then everyone in the room turned to watch her dash out the door.

It was a speaker’s worse fear.  Was my message off its mark?  Would others soon follow on her heels?

I stood at the front wondering what to do.  Should I humbly apologize and sit down, or run after her?  In what seemed like eternity, but was only a few seconds, I picked up my train of thought and continued my speech.

It was a humorous tribute to my mother at this week’s meeting of the Cataraqui Valley Toastmasters Club in Kingston, ON.  My mother has always had a wonderful sense of humour which often had friends and family laughing.  Nowadays, Mom uses humour to camouflage the Alzheimer’s disease that is gradually chipping away at her memory.

When I finished speaking, I slipped from the room to search for the distressed woman and found her teary eyed in the ladies room.  It turned out her mother was diagnosed recently with Alzheimer’s disease, and my speech unleashed a floodgate of pent-up tears and fears.  I suggested we get some fresh air and talk.  

That night I faced my own fears as a speaker, and helped to assuage someone else’s by connecting her with the Alzheimer Society.  After all, isn’t that why we speak?  To inform, to persuade, to entertain and to incite our audience to take action.  Sprinting from the room wasn’t exactly the action I was expecting, but it assured me that my heartfelt words touched at least one life.

Recently I received an email from a professional development organization congratulating me on achieving a certain milestone.  I was pleased to receive the recognition.  The organization was also writing with an incentive to buy a set of workbooks required for my continued development using their program.  The incentive was a $20 saving off the regular price of $70 if ordered by August 29, 2011.

I took the bait and ordered the workbooks online within a day of receiving the email solicitation.  Seconds after pushing the ‘Submit Order’ button, a message popped up: “This item is out-of-stock.”

I was shocked!

Two options were presented:  cancel order or place on back order.

I felt like my hands were tied.  The workbooks were a licensed product only available through this particular organization.  I placed the back order, but only after politely expressing my disappointment in writing to their customer service department.

This unfortunate experience brings to light one of the fundamentals of good corporate communications:  deliver what you offer, pronto!

If you can’t deliver the goods at the time of the promotion, don’t offer it.  Hold back on your communications until you are assured the products or services may be delivered in a timely fashion.  What is ‘timely’ may be negotiated between you and the client, or it may be determined by your order fulfillment process.  Many companies that sell products online provide a fulfillment timeline and often an order tracking mechanism.  If clients are not comfortable with the fulfillment timeline, they can always shop elsewhere.  I didn’t have the luxury of a different supplier.

Customers don’t like having their hands tied, especially when the service doesn’t meet expectations.  It doesn’t foster good will and may eventually come back to bite the organization.